Tack, and Fu&%YOU, till Alla Idioter som ville se mig död

Hey, Ya'll!
Since it is my blog and the original idea was to use it as a diary, I have to write this down...
I'm feeling very stressed about life and my future decisions. I want to travel and see the world, but having no money makes it harder. Ofcourse not to the point where Im broke and I cant do anything, because I know I can leave whenever I want - there is always one person waiting for me.
BUT im not the impulsive one. In fact, actually as a person I'm very sparingly and afraid of changes! Would rather lay low - because it easier that way.
But there are days, like this day, when I just want to go - does not matter where, I just feel the need to get out of this melancholic lifestyle and leave this place, cut the string from everything and everyone I know!!! Ofcourse it is easy to say - jus do it! follow your dream, and all that crap... and that is also possible, but I need to feel safe. I need to have an assurance that everything I'll do wont make my life harder and also I want to succeed in life which means I HAVE to stay in school, and I HAVE to do things I dont want to do, in order to HAVE a life I always wanted to have...
I can still remember the pain I felt constantly for 3 years once I moved to Sweden. I was alone - depressed - misunderstood - bullied. No one cares. No one believes me. After 6-ish years of this crap i kind of got used to it. Only 2 years ago I started talking Swedish. Can you believe it?! Before that my only learning source were books because no one wanted to talk to me (AN ALIEN/RUSSIAN/KURWA/IMMIGRANT, - I was mostly referred to). And when I say no one wanted to talk to me - I mean it. People were ignoring me, or when they talked to me, they were not really talking TO ME, instead they were talking with each other like :

-The teacher asked me to call for Victoria, but do you think, she will understand or do we need to guide her? hahahaha
-THIS thing got higher score on the test... wtf... she does not even speak swedish!
Oh, they also used to talk like handicapped, trying to imitate Russian/Lithuanian language sounds in order ''to communicate'' with me. It was so embarrassing because everyone would poke and laugh saying ''what?! wont you reply? such an ungrateful being!'' and I would refuse to cry in front of everyone, which mostly made things even worse.

I went to school where everyone hated me, and I never knew WHY, because I was a very outgoing kid with so much energy and spirit.
Well, I did find out why, eventually... My bullies told me that I was hanging out with a person they did not like ( my fellow I once thiught was my best friend, untill realised that this person could not care less about me ). Also the fact that only after a month me being in Sweden I was humiliated and almost raped in school, made me feel ''unclean'' and disgusting...
I am happy I can talk about this openly, after many psychologist visits and crying.

Also there are many, MANY more things that wont let me live a normal life, but most of them connect with this area I'm living in, because I see people I would much rather not see - every day.

If my best friend would have done what other did once I left my country- forget me.... or if I never met my boyfriend - I honestly don't believe that I would be sitting and writing this - my lungs would not be filling any more oxygen.
lost many friends but soulmates never left my side
thanks to these two, im still kicking and fighting! *infinity love*

2 kommentarer:

  1. Gaila Viktorija kad is jusu draugystes taip gavosi.Ir labai gaila kad tu tokias mintis reiski viesoje erdvej.Manau geriau pasakyti zmogui I akis nei kalbeti uz akiu.Tu taip nemanai?Ir be galo nusivylus esu tuo kad viskas kuo stengemes Jums padeti baigesi tokiu blogu nusivylimu kaltinant kitus.Auksciau galva ne visi tokie blogi aplinkui.Nera to blogo kas neiseitu I gera.

    1. <3 nera geresniu zodziu uz siuos. Aciu (: su laiku viskas issispres


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