Tack, and Fu&%YOU, till Alla Idioter som ville se mig död

Hey, Ya'll!
Since it is my blog and the original idea was to use it as a diary, I have to write this down...
I'm feeling very stressed about life and my future decisions. I want to travel and see the world, but having no money makes it harder. Ofcourse not to the point where Im broke and I cant do anything, because I know I can leave whenever I want - there is always one person waiting for me.
BUT im not the impulsive one. In fact, actually as a person I'm very sparingly and afraid of changes! Would rather lay low - because it easier that way.
But there are days, like this day, when I just want to go - does not matter where, I just feel the need to get out of this melancholic lifestyle and leave this place, cut the string from everything and everyone I know!!! Ofcourse it is easy to say - jus do it! follow your dream, and all that crap... and that is also possible, but I need to feel safe. I need to have an assurance that everything I'll do wont make my life harder and also I want to succeed in life which means I HAVE to stay in school, and I HAVE to do things I dont want to do, in order to HAVE a life I always wanted to have...
I can still remember the pain I felt constantly for 3 years once I moved to Sweden. I was alone - depressed - misunderstood - bullied. No one cares. No one believes me. After 6-ish years of this crap i kind of got used to it. Only 2 years ago I started talking Swedish. Can you believe it?! Before that my only learning source were books because no one wanted to talk to me (AN ALIEN/RUSSIAN/KURWA/IMMIGRANT, - I was mostly referred to). And when I say no one wanted to talk to me - I mean it. People were ignoring me, or when they talked to me, they were not really talking TO ME, instead they were talking with each other like :

-The teacher asked me to call for Victoria, but do you think, she will understand or do we need to guide her? hahahaha
-THIS thing got higher score on the test... wtf... she does not even speak swedish!
Oh, they also used to talk like handicapped, trying to imitate Russian/Lithuanian language sounds in order ''to communicate'' with me. It was so embarrassing because everyone would poke and laugh saying ''what?! wont you reply? such an ungrateful being!'' and I would refuse to cry in front of everyone, which mostly made things even worse.

I went to school where everyone hated me, and I never knew WHY, because I was a very outgoing kid with so much energy and spirit.
Well, I did find out why, eventually... My bullies told me that I was hanging out with a person they did not like ( my fellow I once thiught was my best friend, untill realised that this person could not care less about me ). Also the fact that only after a month me being in Sweden I was humiliated and almost raped in school, made me feel ''unclean'' and disgusting...
I am happy I can talk about this openly, after many psychologist visits and crying.

Also there are many, MANY more things that wont let me live a normal life, but most of them connect with this area I'm living in, because I see people I would much rather not see - every day.

If my best friend would have done what other did once I left my country- forget me.... or if I never met my boyfriend - I honestly don't believe that I would be sitting and writing this - my lungs would not be filling any more oxygen.

lost many friends but soulmates never left my side

thanks to these two, im still kicking and fighting! *infinity love*